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Dec 1, 2005
no matter what, i know the truth about you... i know who you are, i know your heart. i know that you will smile again, and you will laugh you will feel, and you will love...because you are you.i know that i will never be the person to make you feel that way, but its ok samantha.
i can smile at what was, and be content knowing that one day soon, you will be happy. love is a gamble. you are guarenteed nothing but a try. sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. all you can ever do is trust that try: i can't pretend that you don't mean a lot to me, and i know that somewhere, in a deep, dark place in your heart, i mean something to you too. you don't have to admit it, because i know.i don't want to make you cry anymore, and i don't want to cry either. i want to smile when i think of you, and laugh at the good times. i want to remember late night walks around lakes, and sneaking out to get one more glimpse of you before sunrise i want you to think of better days filled with easy conversation about the meaning of love and how to achieve happiness yet, i don't want you to dwell. its ok to move on....i say that more for my hearing than yours. its ok to let go, its hard...really hard, yet it must be done. Thank you, for the good and the bad, the tears and the smiles, for with love you learn, and with time you are healed. i'll always love you with a special piece of my heart.
Posted at 10:10 pm by LadyFeminine
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Jun 9, 2005
OK, so I just got home from the hair dresser....I've been there since like 6. I took out my braids and got my relaxer...I'm still unsure about which decision was right. The stud and I stopped talking...I don't know the length of time. When I suggested it, I never thought she'd agree...OK, actually, I knew she would, I just didn't think that it would actually happen. This is how i feel:
This could all be so simple, but you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle,
and we both end up with scars...
Tell me who I have to be, to gain some reciprocity
Cause not one loves you more than me,
and no one ever will
No matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know
It ain't workin' (it ain't workin')
It ain't workin' (it ain't workin')
And when I try to walk away you'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy (this is crazy)
This is crazy (this is crazy)
I keep letting you back in (you back in)
How can I explain myself?
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go, and I let go too
Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
-Ex Factor, Lauryn Hill
I wonder if she thinks about me like I think about her? Does she pick up the phone, dial the number...then hang up? OR Does she bask in her moment of solitude, and appriciate her loneliness? Does she find things to occupy her time, and push all t houghts out her head? Hmmmmmmmm I wonder.
"Love is only the seed, you need patience, work, and a lot of care to make it grow."
Posted at 11:42 pm by LadyFeminine
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May 19, 2005
I have not talked to her today. I wanted to soooooooo bad, but I didn't. My pride wouldn't let me pick up the phone. I refused to give in. NO! I will not give in. I didn't do anything wrong. Today I spoke to an old friend. She reminded me why we love...why we commit ourselves. She made me realize that I am not here to make another happy, but to complement the life of another. Happiness must be found within ourself in order to make our relationships work. Our partners are there as support banks. They provide us with the support and love to push us further.
Take this example. You are a 2006 Bently (haha, yeah, that sexy). However, you are sitting in a garage with no gas. Well, as a person, it is your job to be your own fuel supply...to make yourself want to go...as a partner, it is my job to be your tune-up or balance. I help your performance by offering you my attributes.
How many of us are trying to be a person's reason for living? If you are, that person is waking up for the wrong reasons.
Love is the willingness of a person to give themselves for the benefit of another. It is a psychological, physical, spititual, and mental, readiness to join yourself to another; wether willingly or not is the question.
Posted at 01:31 am by LadyFeminine
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Apr 21, 2005
I walk this earth today by cimcumstance. Not by want, wish, need, or desire. I feel as if I am empty inside because now, I have no compaionship. I am not living to live for anyone else, but this.....is hard. It has literally driven me insane. Someone told me that the defination of insame is doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting different results. I am insane. I have held the same hearts, kissed the same pains, huged the same hurts, and cried the same tears over and over again. And everytime, I expect TOTALLY different results. I am insane.
I've been trippin lately. Off the wall without a doubt just...out there. I need to be pulled back in. I through with love, I'm through with it love, I'm finally giving it up. No, I'm not. I just feel that way. I will always believe in the power of love, but I can't believe in the power of mere moral man/woman. I can't anymore. I can't ask for promises and truths. I can't ask for unconditional love and caring. I can't even ask for commitments. 98% of the time, we promise and commit ourselves to things that either "a"- we have absolutely no intention of keeping, or "b"-we don'thave the power to keep. SO we offer lip service hoping that it smooth over our rough patches in relationships.
To You: I don't hate you. I don't dispise you. I could, and in fact, I have some pretty good reasons to. But I don't. You just hurt me, deeply. You drove me insane....literally. We constantly went through the same senario and expected different results. I did things with you that I've never considered doing with anyone else. I will always be connected to you. You took something very powerful away from me. And that I can never get back. I promised myself I would never go backwards, and you had me running foreward, backwards, sideways, and loop-de-loops. I was reading the back of our picture the other day and it said, "...we are." You never finished what we are because....we just were. I don't want to be just...anything. Who lives just to be? I want to be something. Something grand and phenomanal. Something special and appriciated. Something more. Again, I don't hate you. I don't dispise you, in fact, I love you. But you're right. Love doesn't hurt like the past....and this feeling I have....does.
Posted at 10:54 am by LadyFeminine
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Apr 18, 2005
I'm in at the Jim Crow Museum of Racist Memorbilia....well, actually, I'm in class. OK, so the JCMRM is online, but still, it's like I'm there. THis weekend has been an uplifting experience as well as a confusing one. I'm still not sure of my condition with Her. BUt what I do know is that I love her. I know what I believe and I know who I am. But I love this girl with my heart. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Babe, whatever is meant to be will be. I do love you. Is love enough to offer you. Can you accept that? Can you remember that?
Posted at 09:11 am by LadyFeminine
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Apr 9, 2005
Today, I read. I didn't think, I just read. I read her past, I read her present, and if I could, I'dve read her future. She told the last that she was different. She was special. She was the only one. She told me that too. I wonder if the end result will be the same? It scares me sometimes. Is anything forever? I can't bet me exsistance on ANYTHING other than the fact that I'll die. I don't know waht to think. The past is a bia. It either builds up or destroys your character. I don't know what to think...I just want....well, I want what I want.
Posted at 02:59 am by LadyFeminine
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Apr 7, 2005
Just another day filled peace pain hate and love. I miss Paige. Haven't seen her in over a week. I'm in class procrastinating on writing this product proposal. Today so far is just another day. I want to fly away and go to BEAUTIFUL. Where is beautiful? I have a note to send out. She knows who this is to
:If you want to go, if you want to stay, it's all on you. I'm not going to keep you. I'm not going to push you away. I love you here. I want you here. I need you here. I keep saying that I can;t be your deciding factor but the truth is, whatever decision you make MAY decide the fate of our relationship. I'm not going anywhere. But can you hold on to us from FLA?
"i ain't goin' pay your rent, cause all I got is love and time to spend. That's it. "-Meshell Nedge'Ocello
Posted at 08:56 am by LadyFeminine
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Mar 31, 2005
Today was hectic. I was late for an appt, friends came by un-announced (don't you hate it when that happens), and I underslept. HOwever, amid all the annoying, I made a pact with myself.
I (my name here), will not let anyone steal my joy. I will not become a slave to anyone's thoughts, feelings, or reguards toward me. I will appriciate all the people in my life that make me happy, and will take satisfaction in the fact of knowing that they are here today and will not be promised tomorrow. I will live each day as if I will die at the end of it; because from the looks of this life, I very well may. I will not delight in any misfortune of others, friends or otherwise. Though I will rejoice in each person, "taking their own cross". I will not hate, dispise, backbite, talk about, carry, dishearten, or crush anyone's spirit. I will love, care for, support, provide help, and fight for what I believe. In the end, I promise to smile at the sky, and admire the ground, to dance in the rain, and to marvel in the sun. I will thank God for all that he has provided for me and will bless him...even when I am in sin.
"I will open my mouth to the Lord and I won't turn back. I will go, I shall go, to see the end's going ta be." -Old Slave SPiritual
Posted at 01:00 am by LadyFeminine
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Mar 26, 2005
Da: La Mia Ragazza....Lexi
I talked to Lexi last night, my resident but-not-really psycologist and best friend. I love her. Sometimes, she knows me better then I know myself...we finish eachother's sentence's often. Anyways, we discussed yesterday's dramatic events and we both agreed on a fitting conclusion. The verdict is...There are people in our lives that do grimey ass things, but they will NEVER hurt us; and there are those who can do the most minute of things, and kill us. This is all because we filter our emotions to a certian extent. Those who can do horrific things don't hurt us because they aren't close enough to our hearts to inflict pain. They stand outside of an inpenetratable wall and as much as they lie, cheat, steal, or try to hurt us, it doesn't work. But the other set...now, they're the true assholes. They can tell us that our toes look a mess after a $3000 pedicure, and we'll bury our feet under 40 pairs of socks and a closed toe pair of shoes for the rest of our life. This is because they have somehow invaded our hearts and we are vulnerable to their words, actions, and feelings. We completely disreguard our common sense for their sake. We displace our anger with them onto everyone but them. We cry and cry and damn near die when they hurt us. Yet we almost always return. The Love Bug.
"Love is life and life sucks"
Posted at 10:53 pm by LadyFeminine
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Mar 24, 2005
I have a hot date tomorrow (yes, I am black and just used the word "hot" to describe a date). LOL. But yeah, I have a date with a wonderful lady who is VERY VERY special to me. She's smart, and funny, sometimes psycotic...but hey, who isn't? She's also really sweet...and if that's not enough, I already love her. Who is she? ME!
Yeah, I know that's kinda crazy. Who actually goes out on a date with themself? I do. I'm taking myself to a hair appointment, then getting my feet done, and going out to lunch. I was going to ask my best friend if she wanted to come with, but why spoil my date with bringing along a third wheel? (Lexi, I still love you though).
I've been so engrossed in other things that I forgot about taking care of me. Oh, well. I have to go now. Gotta wash clothes. Who wants rinkled attire on a date?
Posted at 10:55 pm by LadyFeminine
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Name: Blak Berri Molasses
Age: Mature
Race: Black Skinned Soul
Purpose: To live, love, learn, and let go.
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